I often have these revelation moments about myself or life. I have decided to try to write them down when I have them. This may never be read or make sense to another reader but here it is. This morning as I was reading I heard Collin start to stir over the monitor and I realized that when I hear him in the morning or even in the middle of the night I always breath a little sigh of relief. He is OK. Nothing happened in the middle of the night. Almost as if I am expecting something bad to happen. Of course if something did happen it would be unimaginable and I would be devastated beyond words. But my point is why do I worry? I have just as much control over his life as I do my own. Collin is a gift just like all children. I think I am so aware of it because of the way he came to our family - completely out of my control and a total gift of grace. Funny thing is, all children are gifts and come to our family by grace and we are completely out of control but I digress... Every second I have with him is because of God's grace. I want to live in the moment of grace and not worry and have fear. How liberating would that be?
As I continue to live life and learn more about myself I know I am a worrier. Why? I realize it is because I do not trust God. Intellectually I know He loves me and He is good. But I think I am a glass is half empty kind of person and I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am bracing for disappointment. I have had disappointments in life and they hurt. I try to brace myself for the next one and maybe it will not hurt so much. I am also a person who wants to be in control. I want all the details, want to know everything that is going on. Subconsciously, I think I can control disappointments and hurt if I know everything. But, I am missing the point. Truth is I am me, and God is God. I have no control and worrying gets me no where. We are here by grace and good things happen because of God's inherent good nature. He is grace. He loves us and we cannot comprehend it.
